


to your heart

by orphan_account



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Gen, Happy Ending! I Promise!, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron) is a Good Friend, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, M/M, Post S4, Team as Family, broganes, this is... very angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:46:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24168316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "With the Blades, there were no points. There was only silence and an unshakable cold and the repetitive words, knowledge or death. There was a feeling that he was trapped and he was never, ever going to get out. There was a panic that his team was going to die and his life hadn’t ever been much good anyways. It had always been a straight line down, would always be, so he may as well make sure someone else survived.It was the first time he had ever started thinking something like that."(A post-s4 fix it fic where Keith was too close to the shield when Lotor hit it and finds himself back on the Castle with an unbearable weight on his shoulders and an itch under his skin telling him to run.)
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 65





	1. organs

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Here is my second Voltron fic, a “fix-it” fic of sorts for post-season 4. Before going into it, I just wanted to state some content warnings for implied/referenced suicide and suicidal thoughts, depression, and panic attacks. I just feel like Keith--as well as some of the other characters--were really going through some shit that Voltron glossed over, and I wanted to bring more attention to it.  
> Be safe! Please don’t read anything that will impact you in a negative way.
> 
> another note, I decided to make shiro--or, you know, his clone-- a little more shiro like in this fic, just because i feel like something like what happened with keith would have messed him up big time even if he was a clone. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy :)
> 
> (chapter titles and lyrics from of monsters and men)

_ I am tired of punching in the wind _

_ I am tired of letting it all in _

_ And I should eat you up and spit you right out _

_ I should not care but I don't know how _

“Good work, Keith!” Shiro called over the intercom. He had done it. Shiro wasn’t exactly sure how or what events preceded the dissolution of the shield on the Galra’s ship, but he knew Keith did it.

His call was met with muffled static.

They were still in Voltron formation, connected with nerves on a wire from the situation, but Shiro knew the team could tell something was wrong. 

“Keith?” Lance asked, his voice so small. 

Fuck. They were all just kids. Lance was a kid, Keith was a  _ kid _ -

A sense of  _ something  _ grew in the pit of his stomach as the paladins fell silent in the face of the static. 

“Keith?” Hunk called out, and Shiro felt the feeling grow and grow until he was back on Earth with a twelve-year-old Keith who rushed headlong into things that were too big for him, too big for him to carry by himself, and Shiro was left to wonder what kind of family would do that to a kid. 

_ “He keeps getting into trouble,” the Garrison officers would say. “I would understand if you wished to relinquish responsibility of him, Officer Shirogane.”  _

_ “He’s my brother,” Shiro would say each time. Over and over again. “I’m not giving up on him.” _

“Shiro!” Matt’s panicked voice filled their comms, jarring Shiro back to the present. “The shield… it was Lotor. Lotor’s cannon broke through the shield.”

Lotor.

Shiro was getting seriously tired of him, but he couldn’t dwell on that. Not when static was still coming from the wavelength where Keith’s voice should have been.

“Shiro,” Matt repeated, his voice cracking. Shiro felt the thing in his stomach grow heavier. “Keith… he was going to fly into the shield. He was too close to the blast when Lotor hit it, and his pod-”

It was all it took for Voltron to disassemble. Shiro was still dazed, thinking  _ he was too close too close  _ and Matt was still talking and in the corner of his eye he could see red, green, and yellow lions flying in the direction of rubble and ruin floating in space. 

Flying towards Keith.

“-hiro? Shiro?” Allura’s voice brought him back to the present. 

“Allura. Keith, he. He-” His head was spinning.  _ Keith flew into it. He was ready to die he was going to die he’s my brother he was going to die. _

“Lance, Hunk, and Pidge are getting him.” She maneuvered her lion so it was in front of Shiro’s. “I know. I’m worried about him too.” He didn’t know how to tell her that this wasn’t  _ worry.  _ This was a bone-deep dread that he had failed, he had failed Keith and he had almost died.

Not just that. He had almost died on his volition. 

“Shiro! You’re still the black paladin.” Allura’s voice was clear. Commanding. Shiro latched onto it as a way to bring himself back down from the panic that spent him spiraling. “We need to get back to the castle. We also need to figure out what to do about Lotor.”

The intercoms crackled again and Coran’s voice filtered through. “The Galra prince is approaching the castle,” he announced. “I’m going to detain him, but I need you to get here immediately to deal with him.”

An order. A directive. Shiro could do that. “We’re on our way, Coran.” He turned his lion away, away from brother and away from the shaking in his hands and the feeling that this wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. 

“Is Keith…?” The Altean trailed off, and Shiro squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t know how to answer that.

He didn’t have to. “Lance has him in his cruiser,” Hunk said. “But he’s in bad shape, Coran. Like, really bad. We’re heading back to the castle now. Can you have a pod ready for him?”

“Of course.”

The static fell away into silence as Shiro silently made his way back to the castle, the other lions trailing behind him. 

_ He was too close _

_ He was going to fly into the shield _

_ Too close _

Shiro tried to steady his voice as he called over the intercoms. He was the leader. He had to hold himself together for them, for all of them. He  _ couldn’t  _ fall apart, not when they were all worried and stressed and silent. “Once we get back to the ship, make sure Keith is secured. Allura and I will deal with Lotor.”

Murmured assents floated through the comms.

_ Too close. _

✩✩✩

Lance hadn’t even needed to pilot Red for her to find her way back to the castle. He sat on the floor of his ship, Keith gathered in his arms, as she had effortlessly sped back. He could feel her fear, feel her frustration. He could feel hers, and she could feel his.

He had sat there, on the cold metal floor, a bruised and bloody Keith in his arms. “Is this payback for the bonding moment thing?” he asked, voice hoarse. “Because, sorry buddy but this is officially the worst way you could have gone about it.”

Keith was silent and Lance was left to wonder if he was ever going to see the stars in Keith’s eyes and the sun in his smile ever again. 

“I really like you,” he murmured, clutching at Keith’s hand like a lifeline. He needed to say it. He needed to. It just made sense, it just was. He liked Keith. Maybe almost loved him. 

When Red had docked in the hangar, it had only taken seconds for Coran, Hunk, and Pidge to race in and pull Keith out of his arms. Lance had wanted to yell.  _ Don’t take him away.  _ But he was gone before he could even blink and Lance was left with empty arms, bloody armor, and a ringing in his ears that told him that something was  _ wrong _ . 

All he could think about was Keith’s voice over late-night video calls, kept quiet so no Blade Members would walk in. All he could see were the bags under Keith’s eyes, the way his face kept getting  _ thinner _ , the way the calls became less and less frequent because “I have to focus on the mission, Lance _. _ ” All he can think is that there were signs, all along, that something like this was going to happen.

There were signs.

And he didn’t see them.

He followed the others out of his lion, head still not quite there. This wasn’t  _ right _ . 

Keith couldn’t-

He  _ couldn’t _ -

Unable to even finish the thought, he made his way to the infirmary where the others had already assembled sans Allura and Shiro. They were with Lotor, his brain supplied him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about any purple aliens when Keith was right  _ there _ , suspended and motionless, cuts and contusions decorating his skin. 

_ Maybe Keith is a purple alien I care about _ , he thought absently.  _ He’s not purple, but the other part… _

He started to smile, but it fell off his face as Allura and Shiro came to join them with grim faces. 

“We’re keeping Lotor in the hold for now,” Allura announced. Their backs were to Keith. They hadn’t seen him yet. “He says he wants to help us now, but we aren’t going to take him up on the offer until-” she turned around. Her hand flew to her mouth and Lance looked away because this wasn’t  _ right _ .

Keith wasn’t supposed to be like this.

He was fire and energy. Movement and willpower.

He wasn’t  _ this _ . 

“Is he…” Allura ventured, glancing nervously to Coran. Lance took to pacing the room, legs working to get the anxious energy that built up in him because Keith had to be okay. He had to. He was… fuck. He was their  _ family _ . Pidge was sitting on the ground, knees drawn up to her chest. Hunk was biting on his nails as he alternated glances between Keith and Coran. Shiro was looking at the floor with the most abject look on his face and Lance couldn’t take this anymore

“If Lotor had gotten there even half a tick later, it would have been too late.” Coran flicked through his tablet, trying to keep his voice light, but Lance could see the creases of worry between his eyebrows. They were all so worried. “As it is, the force of the explosion impacted his ribs and head, and the shrapnel punctured his lung as well as several other parts of his body. It will take several quintants for him to emerge from the pod. But, he will be okay.” 

Hunk let out a sigh of relief and Lance wanted to do the same but there was still a tightness in his chest that told him this mess wouldn't be over when Keith woke up. 

“What happened out there?” Coran asked tentatively as the group lost some of the tension. “I only heard bits and pieces.”

Lance couldn’t force the words out and that  _ scared  _ him. He always had the words. He always could say something. But he remembered the weight of Keith in his arms, chest barely rising, and he couldn’t say a thing. 

“He was going to fly into the shield,” Hunk spoke up, finally breaking the silence. “We couldn’t break it with cannons. So he was going to break it with his pod.” Lance squeezed the bridge of his nose with his fingers. The words echoed around the room and the weight of what happened seemed to finally sink in.

Lance felt like he was drowning. This was too much for him. “He would have died.” He didn’t even know he was going to say the words until they were out of his mouth and he couldn’t look at Keith or the others as the truth of what he said sunk in. “He would’ve  _ died _ .”

Silence. “I’m going to be sick,” Hunk mumbled, sinking to the floor. 

“It’s my fault,” Lance spoke up. He couldn’t bear the looks in his friend’s faces, the feeling he knew each one of them must have been thrust under. “It’s my fault this happened.”

“Lance, no.” Allura’s voice was shaky with tears. “You mustn't blame yourself.”

Lance balled his hands into fists, chancing one look at Keith. He was so thin. His eyes were so tired. “This only happened because he joined the  _ fucking  _ Blades,” he spat. He wasn’t sure who he was angry at anymore. “And that only happened because  _ I  _ came to him and told him I was worried that there was an extra paladin. That  _ I  _ was worried about my place on the team.” 

“It’s not your fault, Lance,” Shiro spoke quietly. 

“How is this not my fault?” Lance squeezed his hands tighter until he felt his nails digging into his palms. “I  _ told  _ him I was scared there were too many paladins. That’s on me.” He felt something tight work its way through his throat until he felt his anger melting turning into something much heavier and consuming. “If he hadn’t left, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“It’s not your fault,” Shiro repeated, and Lance tore his gaze from the floor to the black paladin, whose eyes were burning with something that Lance felt deep in his own heart. “It’s mine.”   


“Shiro-” Hunk began, but Shiro cut him off, words tumbling out angrily.

“No, you don’t understand!” Lance watched as Shiro stalked forward to stand in front of Keith’s healing pod. “I'm supposed to take care of him,” he said through gritted teeth and Lance felt something squeeze in his heart because it  _ wasn’t  _ Shiro’s fault, not at all, and he can’t remember the last time he saw Shiro looking so  _ scared _ .

“He’s my brother,” Shiro said. His voice was as small as Lance felt. “I was supposed to be there for him.”

They were on the brink of an ocean, all of them. Not the kind that Lance missed, the kind he dreamt about, back on Earth. It was inky black, full of depths and waves that threatened to drown them. Seeing Keith like this… that’s what it was. It was waiting for one wave to finally drag you down with its weight, pulling you under. 

“It’s not either of your faults.” Allura’s eyes were bright with tears as she covered her face. “It’s mine.”

“Can you guys stop!” Pidge finally spoke, her voice loud and cutting. She was still curled up on the floor as Lance turned to face her. Her eyes were bright and her voice was steady. “Do you honestly think this is what Keith would want? For us to blame ourselves?” She stood up and thrust her hand towards Keith. “Keith is  _ hurt _ , and honestly? It’s all of our faults. We all let him go. But we can’t blame ourselves right now. If we do, the guilt will eat at us until there’s nothing left and there will be nothing left to help  _ him  _ when he wakes up.” Pidge pushed her glasses up her nose. Lance wanted to give her a hug. “We need to face the facts.”

She took a deep breath and Lance wished she wouldn’t say the words. 

“Keith left the team. Keith has been talking to us less and less ever since then, and when he did call us, he didn’t look  _ healthy _ . Keith sacrificed himself to save us.” Her voice finally,  _ finally _ , shook and Lance was there before he even knew what was happening, pulling her into his arms. “We have to be there for him when he wakes up.”

“When did you get so wise?” Lance mumbled into her hair because all he knew was how to make jokes and deflect and she let out a wet laugh into his shoulder. 

“Princess,” Coran interrupted. His voice sounded thick and Lance wanted Keith to wake up right now and see them. See what his absence did to them. See that they couldn’t do this without him. “The Blades are approaching the ship, asking permission to dock. Say they’re here to see how their soldier is.” 

Lance was about to bite out that the Blade could go  _ fuck  _ themselves for all he cared (because this is what they did to Keith, this what they  _ did  _ to him) but Hunk beat him to it. 

“Allura, they can’t have him back!” He was standing back up, pacing anxiously. “We can’t make that mistake again.”

Allura nodded. “You’re right. But we cannot deny them seeing him. It would strain relations and as upset I am by this situation, we have to think that this has been the Blade’s way since their foundation. It’s just not Keith’s way.” 

Lance wanted to yell that it didn’t matter. He didn’t want them on their ship, wasn’t sure he could look at them without doing something rash.  _ Doing something Keith would be proud of _ , he thought, and his chest tightened again. But Pidge was still shaking in his arms and Shiro looked like he had been set out into space without a tether and Lance could see Allura starting to fray around the edges, her eyes desperate and overwhelmed.

This was uncharted territory. They didn’t know how to approach this. But Lance wasn’t going to let them get lost. 

“Let them come, then,” Lance said. “They need to know about Lotor, too. But, Allura, you won’t be able to stop me from giving them a piece of my mind.”

“Me neither,” Pidge piped up. 

Allura smiled and although it was strained it was  _ genuine _ . “Don’t worry,” she said. “I don’t plan on letting them leave here without a piece of all our minds.”

✩✩✩

Pidge ran her finger over the edge of her bayard as they waited for the Blade members to file in. She refused to cry right now. She  _ couldn’t _ . If she cried she might not be able to stop. 

She wished she could invent a device, something, that could turn back time. Turn back to before Keith left the team, when he started working with the Blades. She wanted him to see that they didn’t  _ want  _ him gone, they needed him. With all these space materials, she probably could build a device like that.  _ But that would probably create all sorts of paradoxes and wormholes,  _ she mused, starting to get excited at the prospect.  _ Like one of those science fiction movies. I bet Keith would want to watch it with me _ .

The spark faded as soon as it came. 

None of that mattered anymore.

Because somewhere,  _ somehow _ , they failed to communicate to Keith just how much they loved him. And they almost lost him. Pidge didn’t make mistakes. She got things  _ right _ , and if she didn’t she worked at it until she did. She was never going to make a mistake like this again. 

Pidge tightened her grasp on her bayard as the door to the control room slid open and three Blade members filed in. Kolivan and two others she didn’t know. Anger rose up in her at the impassiveness in their faces, the rigidity in their stances.

Keith had almost  _ died _ . And they didn’t care.

There was a taut silence as the two groups faced each other before Kolivan finally turned towards Keith. “I am glad he survived,” he said, cutting through the quiet. 

Lance scoffed. 

(Pidge agreed with him.)

Kolivan narrowed his eyes, stepping away from the pod. “I see his injuries upset you,” he said coolly. “But, it is no matter. We have healing facilities in our base where we can take him and make sure he recovers.”

“Why?” Pidge bit out. “So you can send him back on the field as soon as he can let out a breath?”

“That’s the Blade’s  _ way _ , Paladin.” Kolivan stared down at her, but she didn’t back up. “That is a soldier’s way.”

“Well, Mr. Alien, our way entails taking care of our friends.” Hunk was glaring right back at the Marmora member. “He’s gonna stay here to get better.”

Kolivan tensed, and then relaxed. “Very well. But after he is recovered, let him know he has a place back at the Blade. He’s a good soldier.”

“Not a soldier,” Shiro spoke quietly. “A person.” 

“There is no denying his Galra genes,” Kolivan insisted. “He is in his place with us, with people like him.”

“What about his human genes?” Shiro stepped forward and Pidge wasn’t used to seeing him like this, seeing him angry and raw but she wasn’t scared. She understood. She felt the same way, like she was a computer and someone had taken off her casings and exposed all the circuitry inside. “Don’t those make him like  _ us _ ?”

Kolivan’s eyes were glinting with something but Pidge didn’t  _ care _ . 

“He’s just as part of our team as he is yours.” Kolivan crossed his arms. “You would do well to remember that,  _ Paladin _ .”

“No, he’s not,” Lance spoke up before anyone else could. 

“Excuse me?”

“He’s not.” Lance finally looked up from his lap, eyes burning with a kind of fire that at that moment he almost reminded Pidge of Keith. “Have  _ you  _ been to a space mall with Keith?”

“... a space mall?” Kolivan’s anger melted into confusion, but Lance stepped forward, unrelenting. 

“Have you gotten into a food fight with him?” Hunk piped up, challenging. 

“Have you made up weird alien games to play with him?” Pidge chimed in because she could see where Lance was going with this, and she couldn’t let Kolivan leave here thinking he had as much a right to Keith as they did. 

“Have you made fun of his hair? Have you grown with him? Have you seen him laugh, seen him cry, seen him go through some of the hardest parts of our lives and come out stronger? Have you seen him become a leader?” Lance stood inches away from Kolivan’s face. “Because we have.” 

It would have been funny if the situation wasn’t so serious. Lance was almost a foot shorter than Kolivan, but the Blade member seemed almost afraid. “We’re his family,” Lance finally said. “And he’s ours.”

Kolivan stared at Lance for a millisecond before stepping back and righting himself. “If you consider him to be your family, then maybe you should think about why he left in the first place.” Kolivan turned with his parting words, striding sharply to the airlock where his pod was docked. Before he reached the door he stopped and looked over his shoulder. He finally,  _ finally _ , looked sad. “He is a good soldier. I  _ am  _ sorry to see him hurt. I understand if you wish to house him here until he is fully healed.” Then they were gone, the door sliding silently shut behind them.

“Good riddance,” Pidge muttered, crossing her arms across her chest even as his parting words echoed in her ears. 

_ Maybe you should consider why he left in the first place _ . 

She squeezed her bayard before letting it fall to the floor with a soft  _ thud _ . “Now what are we going to do?”  _ What are we going to do about Keith? What are we going to do about Lotor? What are we going to do with ourselves?  _

There were so many things to do. 

“Someone should watch Keith,” Allura said. Pidge could see the princess in her in times like these. The way her back grew straighter, her voice more authoritative. A princess never wavered. Pidge was grateful for that, really. They needed someone to be a leader right now. Their former black paladin was on the brink of death, and their current one looked like he was sure to follow with the amount of anxiety evident in his face. “And after… after he wakes up we need to discuss what to do with Lotor. But before that, we need people to check in on him periodically. I’m thinking me and Shiro for that, since he already knows us.”

“I’ll watch Keith,” Lance immediately offered. Pidge wanted to protest, say she wanted to, but she could see in Lance’s eyes that he had to do this. She didn’t know when she got so good at reading him. 

“I’m going to see if I can narrow down that recipe for noodles I’ve been working on,” Hunk says. “Keith mentioned it was his favorite, and I’m going to make a lot of it for when he wakes up.”

“And I’ll go with Hunk.” Hunk was Pidge’s closest friend here. She was so, so close to falling apart and if she was going to do it, it was going to be with Hunk around. 

Allura nodded. She clutched her hands together before drawing in a breath. “You’ve all earned some rest. Please, take some time to get settled and clean up. You all did very well out there today.”

Pidge murmured a soft “you too princess,” before the group broke up. She trailed Hunk out of the common room, leaving Lance staring vacantly at the pod and Shiro breaking down and Allura trying to remain a princess, strong and tall until the very end. 

“Do you think he’s going to be okay?” Hunk asked as they rounded the corner into the kitchen.

“Coran said he would.” Pidge didn't know how to tell him that she didn’t  _ know _ , didn’t know that even if he survived if he would be the same. If any of them would be the same. It scared her. 

Hunk hummed as he got out the various ingredients, quickly getting lost in his work. Pidge knew this was Hunk’s way of coping with everything that had happened: losing himself in the kitchen and ingredients and experimenting. Pidge was itching for her tablet, but she didn’t think she could concentrate. 

“I wish I had been a better friend to him,” Hunk said as he measured out some gelatinous substance. “We were close, yeah. We all were. But I think I could have been a better friend.”

Pidge shook her head. “I think, somewhere, we started to let him go. Or at least we let him feel like we were letting him go. It’s  _ not  _ on you, or anyone.” She perched herself on the counter, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands. “I don’t know,” she said. “I just feel like I spent so much time looking for one brother, I didn’t even realize when I lost another.”

Then she was crying, the pressure growing too great as the truth of her words sunk in. She had almost lost a brother. Hunk was there in a second, squeezing her in his arms. She could feel the wetness of his cheeks too. 

The downpour had started. Pidge wasn’t sure when the skies would clear again. 

✩✩✩

Lance didn’t move from the control room. Neither did Shiro or Allura, even as Coran left to do maintenance on the castle. Now that he had chanced a look, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Keith. He was too still. The downturn of his mouth made something Lance’s stomach clench.  _ Once you get out of there, I’m going to make you laugh every damn second _ , he swore. 

As he sat there, he couldn’t help the irritation growing under his skin. Keith had tried to save them and in doing so he had almost removed himself from their lives. Forever. Something hot and uncomfortable coursed through his veins as he stood up. “Why the fuck would he do that?” he said through gritted teeth. 

Silence. Then, “Lance?” Allura asked hesitantly.

“Why the  _ fuck  _ would he do something like that!” Lance whirled around, running his hand through his hair viciously. “I’ve been sitting here, thinking, and for some reason I just can’t piece together why the  _ hell  _ Keith would give up so easily.”

Allura rested a placating hand on his shoulder, but Lance shook it off. “Lance, once he wakes up you can ask him,” she said quietly. “None of us know why. And I know you’re upset but you have to stay calm.”

“But why did he give up?” He glared at the pod again. “There could have been another solution. He could have asked the rebels. Fuck, he could have asked  _ us _ . But he didn’t. So why did he give up?”

“Don’t be angry, Lance,” Shiro called from where he was resting against the wall. “Trust me. I’m angry too, but taking it out won’t do us any good.”

“Of course I’m angry!” Lance threw his hands in the air as frustration built in him. “The whole time I’ve known Keith, he’s been a fighter. Teeth and claws, headstrong, no impulse control. The whole thing.” He glared at the pod. “So why,  _ now _ , did he stop fighting? Why did he decide that this was the time to stop fighting?”

“Oh, Lance.” Allura’s eyes were bright.

His voice broke. “Why didn’t he fight?” he asked, not so much to the team but to the boy suspended in front of him, cryosleep ridding him of all frown lines and troubles. “Why?”

He sunk down to the floor, letting his head fall forward onto his empty hands. This was too  _ much  _ for him. It was too different. This wasn’t  _ Keith _ . 

“I think,” Shiro trailed off as Lance lifted his head to see him looking at the pod with tired eyes. He took in a breath and turned to face Lance and Allura. “I think I could offer some insight into why Keith might have left. It could help us when he wakes up.”

Lance just stared at Shiro as he eased himself down onto the floor, Allura following afterward. Her knee brushed up against Lance’s and Lance couldn’t help but think how that would have made his fucking  _ day _ months ago but now he was just grateful for the comfort. Like, a sister. A friend. 

It hit him, then, as Shiro prepared to speak, that he didn’t really know anything about Keith. He knew he was part Galra. He knew he dropped out of the Garrison after Shiro’s disappearance. He knew he was hot-headed and closed off but had a much softer side. But he didn’t really know anything about him before Voltron. 

None of them did.

Lance cast his eyes downward. Keith was always so closed off when it came to his family and his past. Whenever he got out of the pod, he was going to make sure he opened up. So he didn’t keep these things closed off again. 

Shiro began to speak. 

✩✩✩

“I visited Keith’s middle school one day, as part of a Garrison program.” Shiro clenched his metal hand. Relaxed it. “We were supposed to talk to the kids there, see if they wanted the Garrison to be part of their future and help them get on the right track. Keith was in the back of the classroom, staring out the window, and to be honest I didn’t pay much attention to him then. The only thing I noticed was that when I walked in he and the teacher seemed to be in a bit of a fight, but I didn’t really think much of it. There were a lot of other kids, all asking questions about the Garrison and space.”

Shiro still remembered that day vividly. He remembered Keith, just a kid, in the back. Looking like he could care less. He hadn’t thought much of it, just pegging him as not that interested in space or piloting. 

“It wasn’t until after the talk, when I was getting a tour of the school, when I  _ really  _ saw him. We rounded a corner and there he was, cornered by two other kids that I didn’t know. He had a bloody nose and a bruise on his face but his fists were raised and he wasn’t backing down.” He let out a breath as Lance laughed quietly. 

“That’s just like him,” the younger one said. Shiro nodded, smiling despite himself. 

“The teacher showing me around started berating them and was going to take them all to the office but, I don’t know. There was something in Keith’s face. I asked the teacher if I could talk to him. I took him outside so I could maybe just talk, find out why he was fighting, and see if he was interested in the Garrison. He asked to go to the bathroom, I said yes, and when he was still gone after a while I came around to find that my  _ bike  _ and Keith were missing.”

He let out a breath of laughter, pushing his hair back with his hand. “Twelve year old Keith took my  _ hoverbike _ . I was terrified. I thought he was going to drive himself off a cliff.”

_ Shiro ran up to where Keith was leaning against the hoverback, heart thumping in his chest. Please let him be in one piece, please let him not be hurt, I’m too young to lose my job- _

_ Keith turned and looked at him, an unimpressed facade on his face. But Shiro could see past that, see the excitement and adrenaline in the kid’s eyes. “Didn’t think you were gonna come after me,” he muttered, turning back to the desert landscape. _

_ “Are you kidding?” Shiro sat down on the rock outcropping, allowing himself to catch his breath. “You ran off with my bike! I built that with my own two hands! It’s like you ran off with my baby.” _

_ Keith’s lips twitched and Shiro counted that as a victory. “You made it?” _

_ Shiro nodded. “Yeah, in my free time. The Garrison lent me some parts for it.” _

_ Keith’s eyes widened a fraction. Huh. Maybe he wasn’t so averse to the Garrison as Shiro had thought. “You’re going to go into space, right?” _

_ “Yeah!” Shiro looked up at the sky, the bright blue that masked the unknown world just outside their reach. “Is that something you think you’d be interested in?” _

_ The look on Keith’s face shut down as his eyes hardened. “Can’t,” he said, crossing his arms. _

_ Shiro took in the kid’s posture, the shutters over his eyes. “Why not?” he prompted gently. “Anyone can go into space. Besides, any twelve year old who can ride my bike out here can’t be a half-bad pilot.” _

_ Keith shook his head. “I can’t because I’m not going to live here anymore. My foster mom told me that if I got into trouble again at school that she’s going to have to give me up because I’m ‘more trouble than I’m worth’. So I won’t be here anymore and I can’t go to the Garrison.” _

Shiro let out a breath, trying to relax the muscles in his shoulders. “He said it so matter of fact, too. That, I think, was the worst part. That he had just  _ accepted it _ , accepted that he was going to keep getting thrown around from house to house. It took a while, but I worked with him and the Garrison to get him into one of our early-start programs with me as his mentor. Everything else, you guys know. But I think it’s just important to say that bit, about his background. About how he was  _ twelve  _ and just accepted that he wasn’t  _ worth  _ the effort.” 

Shiro looked up at his little brother in the pod. Cuts were still stark against his skin, bruises blooming across his torso. “I thought, I thought maybe he was getting used to having a family again with all of us. But something happened and I think he must have felt like a kid again, scared and like he was about to be abandoned so he turned and ran before it could happen.” 

His breath hitched as the words he said sunk in. It was… probably true, right? Somewhere along the way they had done something to make him feel closed off. “I don’t know how I missed it,” he whispered, dropping his head into his hands. “I don’t know.”

“We all missed it, Shiro,” Allura said, and her voice was so sad and he could hear Lance sniffing and Shiro just wanted to go back to earth where he didn’t have to pretend to be the adult he didn’t feel like he was. He wanted to stop fighting, he wanted all of them to stop fighting. 

“But we won’t miss it again,” Lance promised and there was a touch of steel underneath the tears in his voice that made Shiro look up. Lance was looking at Keith, determination in his eyes. “We’re not letting him leave this Castle without knowing that.”

And then Allura, the strong, unwavering princess, let out a small sob. “We never asked him to come back,” she whispered into her hands. “Every time we would see him on calls, we would talk about missions or he would ask us how we were. But we  _ never  _ asked him to come back home.” 

The guilt weighed heavy in the pit of Shiro’s stomach. He had failed Keith. He was  _ supposed  _ to look after him, make sure shit like this didn’t happen. But he slipped up, and he didn’t even know  _ why _ , he just hadn’t felt right since he had woken up, lightyears away from Voltron, but that was hardly an excuse.

_ Come back home, Keith _ , he thought, hoping,  _ praying _ , it wasn’t too late. He prayed to whatever god was out there that this would all turn out okay. That whatever god would throw all of them into this mess would find some pity somewhere.

_ Please _ .


	2. i of the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith wakes up in the Castle and is forced to deal with his ghosts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! we have keith's perspective for this chapter. this one has more referenced suicide/depression than the first chapter, so please be careful!

_ Are you really gonna love me when I'm gone? _

_ I fear you won't _

_ I fear you don't _

The first thing Keith was aware of was the cold. 

The cold wasn’t new to him, not anymore. He never could seem to get warm with the Blades, no matter how many blankets he swiped from the storage units. 

But he was cold and as consciousness started to flow back he became dimly aware of a dull, throbbing, sensation coursing through his body. He winced at the sudden onslaught of pain, cracking his eyes open to see exactly where he was and why it  _ hurt  _ so much. As soon as he opened his eyes, he found himself falling forward out of whatever had been keeping him upright, right into someone’s arms. 

“Keith!” Hunk cried, hands keeping Keith held up as he tried to blink out the disorientation. Hunk? Was he in the Castle?

“Hunk?” he asked, taken aback at how scratchy his voice was. “What… what happened?” 

A nervous look came on Hunk’s face as Keith tried to get his bearings again. Okay. He was in the Castle, he wasn’t wearing any armor, and he didn’t see any of the Blades members. He obviously had just come out of the healing pod which meant… 

He looked down at his torso to see pale scars crisscrossing over his chest, marks that a healing pod could assuage but never truly erase. He rested his hand on the largest one, right over his heart, and Hunk made a sympathetic noise. “You were hurt really bad after Naxzela.” He said the last part in a whisper, like saying it too loud would scare Keith off.

_ Naxzela?  _

He flattened his palm against the aching in his ribcage as Hunk kept talking about procedures and how the rest of the team were on their way when it came back to him, memories rushing into his head like a dam breaking under pressure.

_ Naxzela.  _

Okay. Shit. The team was still here, so obviously something had gone right. “Did I break through the shield?” he asked, because he had to  _ know _ if he had somehow managed to save them. “Hunk?”

Hunk shook his head, scratching his neck. “Well, you see, you were really close to it but Lotor shot through it with his cannon and took it out. Claims he’s on our side now. We have him in our holding cell.” 

Lotor. Keith hadn’t even done what he had set out to do. He was still here, still breathing. But why was he in the  _ Castle _ ? Where were the Blades? He was increasingly aware of his heart thudding against his chest, temples pounding in rhythm. He was still so  _ cold _ . Did they leave him?

“How long was I in there?” He grit out.  Keith pressed the palm of his hand against his forehead, reveling in the pressure that momentarily relieved his throbbing headache. Hunk was silent, so he whirled around. “How  _ long _ ?”

“Eight days,” Hunk whispered.

Keith closed his eyes. Eight days. Eight days of wasting Voltron resources, eight days of not helping the fucking cause, eight days here because he couldn’t even do one thing right.  _ You help the mission or you die trying _ . He hadn’t done either.

He turned around and started walking towards the exit of the bridge to the communications room. “I need to go.” He could contact Kolivan, let him know he was alive, and he could go back. He wasn’t supposed to be here.

“Keith, wait!” Hunk called out, but Keith made his way to the door without hesitation. He had just neared the doors when they slid open and the rest of the team spilled through in a cacophony of relief and his name and Keith felt  _ trapped _ . 

“I need to talk to Kolivan,” he said, cutting through their noise. Something had clenched itself around his heart as he tried to avoid their eyes because he knew what he was going to see there. Disappointment, maybe. Anger. Hurt. He didn’t want that, couldn’t deal with that. He didn’t  _ belong  _ here and he had to get out before the itch under his skin turned from flight to fight and he ruined this even more. “Tell him that I’m taking a pod over to his location.”

“Are you serious?” Lance fixed him with a look, pressing a hand into his shoulder. His palm was warm and Keith was  _ cold  _ and he couldn’t help but think of another time, months ago, when Lance had reassured him of his place here. “You’re not leaving until you’re fully healed.”

Keith frowned, shrugging out from under Lance’s hand because he wanted to hold him, wanted to be held, but he  _ couldn’t _ , not when he had already renounced this life. “I’ll heal at the Blades. We can’t afford to have someone not helping the mission.”

“Who cares about the mission!” Pidge threw her hands in the air and Keith looked away. “We have Kolivan’s permission too, by the way. You’re staying here.”

Keith let out a hiss of frustration as he turned away from the team and pressed his hand to his forehead again because his head was still throbbing and there was a sinking feeling in his stomach. Even the  _ Blades  _ didn’t want him anymore. He had no use. No place to go. “You can’t keep me here,” Keith finally said, frustration and fear causing him to raise his voice up and up. “I’m not a  _ kid _ .”

“You’ll find we can, actually,” Allura spoke. Her expression was soft and Keith just wanted to  _ get out _ . “Keith, please. We just want to make sure you’re safe and healthy.”

There were unspoken words in that phrase. Keith heard them. He was pretty sure the entire team heard them. They thought he was unstable because of Naxzela and now he was here like a child that needed to be watched because no team truly trusted him. They were all looking at him expectantly, like they wanted him to explain what happened that day.

But Keith couldn’t tell them. He didn’t even know. His head hurt so  _ bad _ and his throat was dry and he was shaking and he wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or anger or sadness or something else much deeper in his core. 

“Hey, Keith.” Shiro finally spoke up and Keith couldn’t look at him because that would mean acknowledging that he had let Shiro down. He didn’t want to face that.

(He was a coward.)

“Why don’t you go get some rest?” he offered quietly. “We can regroup tomorrow, after you’ve showered and slept.”

Keith wanted to go, to get out, but he was still shaking and he wasn’t that much of an idiot to think he could go far in his current state and he knew with a deep certainty that it wouldn’t last anyways. He nodded once before pushing through the crowd of people, trying desperately to ignore the way their eyes followed him out of the room.

He couldn’t let them back in. Not if it meant having to lose them all over again.

☆☆☆

When Keith was four, his mother didn’t come back.

He remembered her, vaguely. He remembered warmth and softness and a gentle hand rubbing his cheek comfortingly. He didn’t remember her face or her laugh or anything. 

But he remembered that feeling, and that was all he had. Some nights he would wake, gasping, the edges of a memory just slipping out of his grasp until he was left with a feeling of emptiness that threatened to consume him.

Keith was just a kid. He woke up one night, something in him feeling not quite right. The window outside the house told him it was nighttime, but Keith couldn’t go back to sleep. Something was wrong.

He hopped out of bed, his feet just barely reaching the floor, and walked down the hallway to his parent’s room. The hallway was dark, and a little scary, but he hummed that song his parents taught him so that he wouldn’t be scared. It was by a beetle or something, which was kind of silly in Keith’s opinion. 

Keith pushed open the door to his parent’s room, prepared to crawl in between them until they cuddled him, but the bed was empty. He frowned, staring at the messed up sheets. Where were they? 

A spark of excitement flew through him. Maybe this was another adventure? Like hide-and-seek or something. He ran down the wooden stairs as fast as his feet would take him, determined to find his parents. He was going to win this game!

He jumped from the fourth to last stair, grinning when his feet hit the wooden ground. His dad told him not to do that because he could get hurt, but his mom just laughed and showed Keith how to land properly so he wouldn’t hurt his feet.

When he lifted his head up, Keith saw that the front door was open and his dad was standing in the entranceway staring at something the younger couldn’t really see. He grinned, walking quietly up to his dad, prepared to catch him. Then he would be one step closer to winning! When he was a couple of steps from his dad, he yelled and jumped, clinging onto his father’s torso. 

“I got you, Daddy!” he yelled, smushing his face into his dad’s back.

He let go, running through the doorway so he could face his dad. He was just staring up at the stars, the cool desert air blowing his hair around. Keith frowned. 

“Daddy?” he asked, pushing his hair away from his face with two palms. 

His dad seemed to jar to reality, and he looked at Keith. Keith looked at him back, crossing his arms. “I got you. I win Hide-and-Seek. Actually, I win after I find Mommy too.”

At this, his dad sighed. He picked Keith up, his hands rough and calloused and not at all like his mom’s, but he liked them anyway. He rested his head against his dad’s neck, using one eye to peek up at the stars too. “That’s Ursa Major,” he said, pointing up at the familiar constellation. His mom always took him outside at night and showed him the different patterns, and now Keith was super smart at it. 

He really liked the stars. He liked the way they twinkled and the way that he could maybe imagine soaring through them. Maybe in a rocketship! He could see all the different planets, like Jupiter, and he could explore them with his dad and mom. 

“You’re a smart kid, Keith,” his dad told him, holding him tighter. “A lot like your mom.”

His mom! He still needed to win hide-and-seek. “Where’s Mommy?” he asked, poking his finger at his dad’s face. “I need to find her.”

His dad was quiet for a long time, and Keith began to wonder if he even heard him. Maybe he should ask again, but louder? Just when he was about to open his mouth, his dad kissed the top of his head. “I don’t think we’re going to find her for a long time, bud,” he said. Keith frowned. He was the master at hide-and-seek. How could his dad underestimate him like that? (Underestimate was a new word he learned. It might have been his new favorite.)

“I can find her,” he boasted. “I’m the best seeker.”

His dad just shook his head, and he started shaking. Keith pulled back to look at him, because why was his dad shaking? It wasn’t that cold at night.

Keith’s eyes widened as he saw something wet falling down his dad’s cheeks, glinting under the moonlight. His dad was  _ crying _ . Dads don’t cry, do they? 

“Daddy?” he pressed his hand to his dad’s cheek. “It’s okay, Daddy. Don’t cry.” Something in his stomach felt  _ bad _ . His mom… 

His dad just cried harder, leaning into Keith’s little palms and that’s when Keith knew that his mother was gone. 

She had left him.

☆☆☆

As Keith made his way back to his room he found himself humming a tune under his breath. It didn’t even take him a second to identify it. He paused in his steps, forcing himself to close his eyes and breathe.  _ Here comes the sun _ . The one memory he had of him and his mom and his dad all together. He could still picture in his mind his mom and dance dancing around to this song as it crackled on their second-hand speakers before picking up Keith so he could join them. 

That stupid song stuck with him ever since.

He used to hum it to himself when he was younger, when he had gotten into a fight and was left alone to wait in the dark for his bones to heal and cuts to close. When he felt inexplicably alone. 

Keith didn’t want to dwell on what it meant that he was humming it again now. 

He pushed into his room, ignoring the details of it.

(It was the same way he had left it. His bed was made. His knife was resting on the table. The walls were bare save for a couple of maps and pictures he had gotten along the way. It was  _ so cold _ .)

He quickly peeled off his armor, relishing in the clang the metal made as it hit the ground, trying to get rid of the feeling that he was in a room that kept getting smaller and smaller. 

He didn’t  _ belong  _ here, on the ship. He didn’t belong with the Blades. He didn’t belong on Earth. Keith dragged his hand across his forehead as he trudged to his bathroom to turn on the faucet in the shower to the hottest it could go. There was an itch under his skin, a familiar one, that was telling him to  _ run _ . To run and run and get away until he was out of breath and his legs hurt and he was far away from anyone or anything that could get taken away from him. 

There was a time when he thought he was part of Voltron’s family. He shucked off his undersuit and stepped into the shower, letting the boiling drops hit his skin. But then they figured out he was part Galra. Even after, he thought that maybe he could still be in that group.

He knew, though. He stuck out like a sore thumb while the rest were able to laugh and joke and mess around with each other, talk about shared experiences on Earth that they missed, and be completely  _ human _ . Keith never belonged here. The longer he pretended he did, the worse it would hurt when the others inevitably pushed him aside.

His thoughts unwillingly turned to Naxzela, his broken recollection of the moment surfacing and fixing themselves together like a twisted jigsaw puzzle. He remembered the suffocating desire to simply  _ escape  _ that consumed him as he stared at that barrier. The knowledge that his friends had to survive, and Keith didn’t have a place in this world anyways, so his death would be the least impactful. Voltron had to survive. His friends had to go home. It would make the most sense. A tactical decision.

Keith ducked his head under the jet of hot water, letting it hit his neck and shoulders. He had, briefly, wished he would die. He had closed his eyes and was completely prepared for it. He had acted on something he had been nursing ever since he had left Team Voltron, ever since an unshakable cold had settled into his bones leaving him constantly craving something outside of his reach. 

There was a voice in the back of his head reminding him over and over again that he  _ knew _ , he knew he wouldn’t have survived the crash. Hell, he might not have even broken through the shield. But he had done it anyway. 

A glance at his hands saw them shaking violently, so with clumsy movements he wrenched the handle of the shower to turn it off and wrapped a towel around his waist.  _ Breathe _ . He stared at his reflection in the mirror, grasping the edge of the sink to stop the tremors in his fingers. The scars marred his skin, pale pink lines twisting around his torso. 

“I tried to kill myself,” he tried to say aloud, just once, to see how the words felt in his mouth. But his throat closed up on the fourth word and he decided that some things were better left unsaid. 

“Here comes the sun,” he whispered. His voice cracked and he turned away from his image before he could succumb to an emotion that threatened to overwhelm him, hands still shaking.

☆☆☆

When Keith was ten, his dad didn’t come back.

He remembered the last time he saw him, all tall and dressed in his firefighter outfit. Keith was perched on their sofa, a thick book resting on his lap.

“Alright, Keith, make sure you finish your homework before I get back, alright?” His father called from the doorway, a smile on his tired face. He always had a smile for Keith. 

“Is it homework if  _ all  _ the work I do is at home?” Keith answered, grinning back. Perks of being homeschooled, everything was very much on his schedule. 

His dad barked out a laugh, before moving from the doorway to ruffle Keith’s hair. “You’re a smart ass,” he informed him. 

“Emphasis on the smart?”

His dad laughed again, shaking his head slightly. His eyes grew softer as he kneeled and he cupped the back of Keith’s head with his hand. “Your mom would be really proud of you, bud,” he said, and Keith felt like he was standing on the edge of something and he didn’t want to fall over the side. 

“Maybe,” he said, scowling. 

“Hey,” his dad said in his commanding firefighter voice and Keith looked up at him, still frowning. “Don’t blame her kiddo.”

“She  _ left  _ me.” Keith’s voice cracked and he glared even fiercer to hide it. “She left  _ us _ .”

His dad sighed. “Keith, there’s a lot more to the story. She had to go, because she wanted us to be safe. Because she wanted the universe to be safe. She’s so very brave, just like you, and one day I’ll tell you the whole story.”

Keith closed his book with a thud. “Can you tell me today?”

His dad looked skeptical, but Keith pushed forward. “I’m old enough, you know I am. And I want to know. I need to know. I don’t want to keep thinking that she…” his voice cracked again and he looked down at the worn cover of his book.  _ Great Expectations.  _ “I don’t want to think that she didn’t want me.”

It was something he had never told his dad before, that he sometimes stayed up late at night wondering what about himself made his own mother want to leave. He would ask if he should change something so his dad wouldn’t leave too. He would chew his nails and his lips until they bled because the thought of just not being enough consumed him. 

“Oh, bud.” Keith’s dad pulled him into his arms, and Keith closed his eyes and let himself relax. His dad was right here. He wasn’t going to go anywhere. “She loved you so, so much. She never would have left if there was any other choice.”

He pulled back, his hands on Keith’s shoulders. “I’ll tell you what. I think you’re old enough to hear the whole story. How about once I get back from work we make some ice cream sundaes and chat?”

Ice cream sundaes had been their thing since Keith was about five. Whenever things got too much, or Keith wasn’t sleeping or his dad would wake up from a nightmare or when Keith was at his worst, stressed and mean and violent, they would make ice cream sundaes and eat and talk until they felt better. Keith smiled, mirroring his dad’s expression. “Okay, Dad. You better get going so you can come back faster.”

His dad laughed again (he was always laughing and smiling, all warmth and smiles that could diffuse Keith’s anger in one go), standing up. “Such a demanding little kiddo. I’ll see you soon, bud. I promise. Love you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Keith waves his hand, turning back to his book. “I guess I love you too.”

With another chuckle, his dad left, the door closing shut behind him. Keith heard the engine of his truck rattle and pull out of the driveway, and with a smile Keith started to read again, an excited energy buzzing in his veins. 

He finished his book around noon and ate the leftovers in the fridge from last night’s dinner. (He didn’t even sneak a scoop of ice cream because he had to save that for him and his dad this evening.) 

He did his math from the workbook his dad bought until 2, sneaking glances at the clock between every problem. 

At 3, he got a new book and sat on the couch pretending to read. He wasn’t really reading though, he was listening for the familiar sound of the rattling engine pulling in front of the driveway. His dad was always home at 3:30.

At 3:30, he had given up pretending to read his book in favor of glaring at the wooden door. 

At 4:00, Keith had started to chew the area around his nails again, opening up old wounds. A metallic taste filled his mouth, but he barely even noticed as he peered outside the window into the desert afternoon. The sun painted the rocks golden and bright, but the only thing Keith noticed was the distinct lack of a truck parked out front.

At 5:00 Keith decided that his dad’s job was just taking longer than normal, so he would just wait. 

At 5:30, Keith was tired of waiting. 

At 6:30, Keith heard an engine roll into the driveway. Excitement bubbled up in him because finally,  _ finally,  _ he was back. He raced to the front door, bare feet slipping on the wooden floors, and flung it open prepared to lecture his dad for taking so long. 

There was no truck in the driveway. 

There was a police cruiser, and a woman exiting the driver seat with a clipboard in her hand and a look on her face that made Keith want to go back inside and pull the covers over his head and wait for his dad to come back home. 

“Keith Kogane?” The lady asked, coming to stand in front of him. Keith just stared. 

_ No. No no no no no.  _

“I’m Officer Williams. Would you mind coming back with me to the station? There are some things I need to tell you.”

_ No.  _ “No,” Keith blurted. “I’m waiting for my dad to come back. He’s a firefighter.”

There was a look in the Officer’s eyes and Keith hated it. It was a look that said  _ oh, the poor kid without a mom. He must be so sad. The poor kid who still thinks his dad will come back. _

“He promised,” Keith told her, but the words sounded hollow. He could barely hear himself over the buzzing in his ears and the itch under his skin. “He  _ promised  _ he would come back.”

Williams offered him a soft smile, holding out a hand. “Why don’t we go back to the station? We can talk there, Keith.”

“No!” Keith yelled, stumbling backwards, away from the hand. If he took the hand then this would all be real. He would be alone. “He  _ promised _ . We don’t break our promises!” 

The police officer let out a sigh, and kneeled to the ground. “Keith, I don’t want to do this right now but I think you need to know. Your dad went into work today and there was a fire, a bad one, at the nearest library. He went in to look for survivors, but the building was compromised and he didn’t make it out. I’m sorry, Keith, but your father isn’t with us anymore.”

The buzzing sound in Keith’s ears grew even louder, but not loud enough to drown out the words.  _ He was a hero _ , she was saying.  _ He’s in a better place now _ .

Keith wanted to scream. How could he be in a better place if he left Keith behind? He wanted to yell, he wanted to hit something, he wanted to run far far away until his dad would come back to him and his mom would too and he would have a family.

“Bring him back,” he demanded, fists clenched at his side. “Bring him back!”

He was numb and tired and shaking and the police officer was just looking at him pityingly, so he let Officer Williams guide him to the police cruiser and take him to the station. His dad was going to be there. He had to be there.

The other officers tried to tell him they were sorry. They tried to tell him what would happen to him, they tried to ask him if he had any family on his mom’s side he could stay with. But none of that mattered anymore. The longer Keith waited at the station, the more it hit him that maybe his dad wasn’t coming back for him. 

Keith was alone. 

And his dad was never coming back.

☆☆☆

Keith’s eyes burned as he stared up at the ceiling of his room. It was dark, but not as dark as the Blades base.  _ Small mercies _ . His side throbbed with a dull pain and his head spun and he felt a type of exhaustion that pierced his skin, delved into his very  _ bones _ , but he couldn’t sleep. 

Worst of all, he was still so  _ cold _ . It’s like he had taken some of the frigidity from the Blades and brought it back with him. He couldn’t shake it off, couldn’t make himself feel warm. Keith brought shaking hands to his lips to blow on them, trying to warm himself up but he couldn’t. 

Pidge had visited earlier that night, asking him if he needed anything.  _ It’s good to see you back _ , she said. Keith wanted to believe her. But there was still a hollow feeling in his chest and a voice in the back of his head reminding him why he left the last time, and he just couldn’t. So he said he didn’t need anything, not even an extra blanket, and that had been that. The team wanted to talk to him about what happened. He knew that. But he  _ didn’t  _ want to talk about it, he wasn’t even sure if he had the right words to explain it. He just wanted to get out of here before he found himself falling back into the facade of a family.

Keith exhaled slowly, sitting himself up and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight, so he may as well try and do something useful with his time. He pulled on his boots, grabbed his knife, and made his way down familiar hallways to the training deck. 

The halls were quiet except for a light hum of electricity. One thing Keith had missed, hadn’t even realized he’d grown so dependent on it until it was taken away, was the  _ noise _ . He missed Lance yelling about something or the other, Pidge messing around with loud machinery and computers, Hunk always in the kitchen singing and baking. The Blades were so quiet it had made Keith’s head pound. 

The lights to the training deck flickered on as he stepped in. He winced at the sudden brightness, blinking dark spots out of his eyes. It looked the same. The staff and weapons still lined up one of the sides along with some Altean version of lifting weights. Keith stepped forward onto the bot platform, feeling a sense of relief when it whirred to life.

_ At least some things don’t change _ .

“Begin training sequence four,” he called, hefting his knife up as a bot emerged from the ground with a staff gripped in its metal hands.  _ Finally. He could let some energy out. He could stop thinking _ .

The bot moved towards him, swinging its staff. Keith ducked and spun around, his foot connecting with the metal armor of the robot. It stumbled, before straightening out and moving towards him again.

Keith frowned. Normally he was able to get past the first couple sequences in a few seconds. But now, his kick had been weak, his side was still throbbing and his hands felt shaky around the handle of his blade.  _ Focus, Kogane _ . He lifted up his knife before attacking the bot again.  _ You don’t have time to get distracted _ . 

“Focus, Keith,” he told himself, voice echoing softly in the empty training room. “Patience yields focus, patience yields focus…”

He tried to repeat the mantra, tried to drive himself to focus on the goddamn mission, but the words tasted bitter on his tongue. 

Shiro kept in touch with him at first. The whole team did. They would call him, and he remembered feeling warm at seeing their faces on the tiny Blade-issued screen attached to the wrist of his suit. He thought that might be the closest he ever felt to feeling at home.

But soon daily calls turned to weekly. They would always tell him he looked too skinny, too tired. He would brush off their concerns about bruises and ask about their days. He wanted to hear about how Pidge found Matt, he wanted to see Lance sparkle with enthusiasm at their Voltron shows, wanted to laugh at Hunk’s dramatic retelling of their missions, smile at Allura and Coran, and talk to Shiro about everything that was weighing him down. 

It didn’t last, though. Every time they called, Keith could see the pity in their eyes. He could see how tired they all were, and he couldn’t bear knowing that he was making that burden worse. He had  _ no right _ . He knew they all still saw him as a reckless boy who had left them, who had run away in a time of trouble, and he couldn’t handle the weight of that knowledge.

So the calls faded. They would call when he was on missions. They would call and he wouldn’t pick up. And there were days when Keith felt  _ so  _ cold and  _ so  _ tired and he just wanted to call and talk to them. Some days he wanted to see Lance so bad it hurt, Lance who always knew how to make him feel  _ something _ . Then he would think about the burden he placed on the team and would walk away from the screen with nothing but an overwhelming sense of emptiness. 

He only saw the team in briefing videos, from his place in the corner behind Kolivan. They barely exchanged a hello, but he saw them glance at him. They probably hated him. They probably thought he was too scared to deal with them. He thought maybe he could fade away and no one would notice. 

That was fine. Keith knew how to be alone. 

It took him a second to realize his mind was not where it should have been, but the bot was already bringing the staff down onto Keith’s shoulder. He winced, stumbling back. 

“Stop thinking,” he muttered, rolling his shoulder and lifting his knife again. “Begin training sequence seven.” Obviously the easier levels were not doing the trick.

He fell into a rhythm with the new bot. Strike. Duck. Block. Attack. Next level. The instinct entered his muscles and they began to move without conscious effort. His next big mistake.

_ You shouldn’t even be here _ .

He narrowed his eyes. Duck. Strike. Kick.

_ You don’t belong here. _

Parry. Strike. Next level.

_ You should have just died _ .

“Shut up!” he yelled, bringing forth his knife with a swing fueled with all the emotion that had built up in him. A deafening clang, and then silence. The robot laid dismantled across the training ground floor, and Keith’s weapon fell to the ground through his loose hold. 

_ You don’t belong here _ .

A sob worked its way through Keith’s throat as he fell to the ground, legs too weak to support him anymore. His heart thudded against his chest, as emotion wracked his body and threatened to tear it’s way out of his heart, but no tears fell. He hadn’t cried in years, not since he was a kid who didn’t know yet that people were mean and crying just made you weak. Now, he sat on the floor, knees on cold tile, waiting for tears that were never easy to come and wishing for  _ someone  _ to be there with him.

He wanted a hug. He wanted a family. 

_ He wanted his team _ . 

What he wanted had never felt so out of his reach. 

He had never wanted to not exist so badly before the Blades. He had never even thought of it as an option. He had wanted to survive, wanted to live, wanted to feel the burn of adrenaline in his veins, no matter the costs. 

Before the Garrison, Keith didn’t see his life as anything. He saw it as a straight line down that he was just going to have to follow, but he never saw the line stopping. 

At the Garrison, with Shiro, and even with Voltron those first few months, Keith started living his life as a series of points. First day. Shiro’s launch. Graduation. Training. He existed between these points, getting through each one so he could make it to the next. He liked it. It made him feel like he was finally doing something with that febrile energy that was always burning his veins. 

With the Blades, there were no points. There was only silence and an unshakable cold and the repetitive words,  _ knowledge or death.  _ There was a feeling that he was trapped and he was never, ever going to get out. There was a panic that his team was going to die and his life hadn’t ever been much good anyways. It had always been a straight line down, would always be, so he may as well make sure someone else survived. 

It was the first time he had ever started thinking something like that.

He couldn’t think about it. It scared him deep into his core to think about just how close he had been. He had been so close to-

Keith pressed his hand to his mouth to stop the choked gasp building up in his throat. He had been so close. He had almost done it. That fucking scared him more than anything else.

Keith’s chest was unbearably tight as he picked himself up off the training room floor. He had to get himself together. He couldn’t afford to fall apart like this, not at all. He had to get better and go back to the blades and let the past be the past. Things didn’t last, and the sooner he learned to accept it, the better.

His thoughts clouded his head as he limped back to his room. He switched off the lights and lay in his bunk, eyes burning as they stared up at the steel ceiling.

But he still couldn’t sleep.

☆☆☆

Keith was 12 when he met Shiro for the first time. 12, and already on his fourth foster family. He was settling into another family after just having gotten himself booted from his 3rd, something he took a sick satisfaction in at this point.  _ Look at me _ , he wanted to yell.  _ No one can handle me _ . 

They shipped him to a local public school district with the rest of the kids. The teachers had very little patience for Keith.  _ You need to learn respect,  _ they would say.  _ You’ll never get anywhere like this _ .

Well, the joke was on them. Keith didn’t want to get anywhere. He knew his life was on a trajectory pointed down, he just wanted to make sure he took as many people down with him as he fell.

Keith stared out at the desert as his teacher droned on about some visitor from the Garrison. Yeah, Keith knew the Garrison. Who didn’t? The most prestigious and reputable space and flight school in the country, probably even the whole world. Two families ago, Keith had thought maybe he would go there. The thought of flying away, far away, was the only thing that had made him feel quite so  _ alive  _ ever since he had been left behind. He felt it, somewhere inside him, that all the answers to his questions were somewhere out there in the stars. 

That was before he had learned that dreams weren’t for someone like him. And that anger and fighting could make him feel alive just as well and was much more attainable.

So, yeah. Keith didn’t really care about some visitor from the Garrison. What he did care about was the not so thinly veiled threat Amelie and Liam had issued to him that morning after he had said some choice words to their teasing.  _ Just wait _ , Amelie had said with a smirk.  _ You’ll get what’s coming for you _ .

His eyes followed the wispy clouds drifting across the scorching blue sky. He wouldn’t get what was coming for him, not if he went and sought it out first. The thought of getting his fists on something, someone, made his heart beat faster. He reveled in the feeling before his attention was brought back to the present by the teacher. Everybody’s eyes were on Keith.

“Mr. Lewis? Do you care to pay attention?”

“That’s  _ not  _ my name.” Keith hated it. He wasn’t a Lewis. “My last name is Kogane.”

“Well, Mr. Lewis, I’m afraid that your parents' last name is also yours.”

Keith stood up, the chair scraping unpleasantly against the tile floor as he pushed it back. His knuckles paled as he flattened his hands against the surface of the desk. “They are  _ not  _ my parents.”

The teacher opened his mouth, probably to say something that would only draw out a less than appropriate response from Keith. Which was fine. Keith was spoiling for a fight, he could feel the familiar heat running under his skin. He had one foot out the door in this home already, so why not go out with a bang?

Before the teacher could say anything, a knock on the door sounded and some guy dressed in a Garrison uniform opened it tentatively. “Mr. Colwell? I’m Takashi Shirogane, from the Garrison.”

Keith reluctantly sat back down as the teacher’s attention moved from him, disappointment heavy. He had been so close to a fight. He saw Amelie staring at him, so he flipped her off. At least there was something waiting for him after this class. He just had to sit through this talk and pretend like the one thing he wanted to attain, the one thing he had once wanted to reach for, wasn’t being dangled cruelly just out of his reach. 

He just had to remember that the stars were miles away and the desert was here and the only thing he’d ever really have was himself. 

\---

“Is that all you got?” he asked, swiping away the blood running under his nose. His back was pressed flush against the wall but he still raised his fists. Amelie was sporting an eye that was going to bruise like  _ hell  _ tomorrow, and Liam looked a little dazed from the swipe Keith had aimed at his head.

_ Good _ , he thought, smiling. The energy in his veins was coursing like electricity. He felt  _ alive _ . If everything else in his life was spinning out of control, at least he could control this.

“Mr. Lewis!” 

Keith scowled as Amelie and Liam backed away hastily. Fucking Colwell again. And that stupid Garrison guy was with him, a shocked look on his face. Keith grinned at that, blood still dripping from his nose.

“This is the last straw young man! Amelie, Liam. You two  _ will  _ go to the principal’s office. Keith, we are going to have to call your parents.” Mr. Colwell was looking at him with that  _ look _ . The one that said he would be disappointed if he had any hopes for Keith in the first place. Keith got the sudden urge to punch it off his face.

“They are  _ not  _ my parents.”

“Actually, Mr. Colwell, could I speak to Keith for a minute?” The Garrison guy spoke up, the horrified expression wiped clean from his face. “I can bring him back to you afterward, I promise.”

Mr. Colwell glanced at the garrison guy. “Of course, Officer Shirogane. I would watch out for that one, though. He has a tendency to get a little…” he looked at Keith and he flipped him off. He was going to get booted anyways. Mr. Colwell turned away, but not before Keith saw the scowl on his face. “A little  _ vulgar _ .”

“It’ll be okay,” the Garrison guy assured him. Mr. Colwell fixed Keith with another look before walking away from the corridor, Liam and Amelie trailing after him. Before they rounded the corner, Liam looked back and gave Keith a satisfied smile. 

A smile that said  _ Keith screwed up again. Keith was going to have to move again. _

“Would you like to go on a walk with me?” the Garrison guy asked once they were alone. Keith looked up at him. He looked a little soft, but Keith knew that was probably a guise. 

“Doesn’t look like I have much of a choice.” He stalked off the corridor, leaving the Garrison guy to follow. He half expected him not to, to go and report back to his teacher that he was right, Keith was too difficult. Wasn’t worth the effort. 

But the sound of footsteps followed Keith out the front doors of the school. The person at the front started to call him back, but the Garrison guy called out, “He’s with me Mrs. Thompson!” and they waved him through.

This had to be against school protocol. Since when could random people just take kids out of school, even if they  _ were _ from the Garrison? Keith kicked a rock in his path and it bounced away along the dusty road. He was probably the lowest point on the school’s priority list.

Garrison guy stopped at a bench in front of the old brick school building. Keith stared at the space next to him, and then the parking lot just around the corner. In it was a hoverbike, grey and orange, that had most definitely not been there this morning. Which meant it must have belonged to the Garrison guy. 

“Do you want to sit down for a minute?” Garrison guy asked but Keith’s mind was already miles away, thinking about getting on that bike and driving it far into the desert. The thrill of that, of getting so close to  _ flying  _ made his head dizzy until the only thing he could think of was getting that bike. 

“Can I go to the bathroom?” he asked abruptly and the Garrison guy looked taken back for a second before nodding.

He raced back into the school building, heading down a hallway to the side exit to the parking lot so that the Garrison guy wouldn’t see him. The bike was sitting in a guest parking spot, shiny and unscuffed. The seat was a little high for Keith, but he could fix that. There was a button on the console.

_ It can’t be that easy _ .

He lowered the seat and climbed on, excitement humming in his veins as his hands closed over the handlebars. He pressed the button, and the bike roared to life.

He let out a snort as the bike lifted off the pavement. That Garrison guy was  _ way  _ too trusting.

Keith had stolen his fair share of bikes in his time. He knew how to ride it. And now he was finally going to get to. Without a second thought, he pulled out of the parking lot and flew into the desert.

He let out a laugh as the wind pushed back his hair, dust swirling in his wake. “Yes!” he yelled, before letting out another laugh. This feeling was… it was feeling alive in a way that even fighting didn’t give him. It was adrenaline and energy and the idea of going somewhere far, far away from where he was that filled his head and let him travel the dangerously rocky roads far away from the small town near the school. 

Keith finally parked the bike near the edge of a large cliff, his hands sore from clutching onto the handlebars. The skin on his palms was rubbed red and raw, obviously not meant to ride a bike that long without some kind of protection.

He hopped off the bike, seating himself down on a rock outcropping and rubbed out his fingers. Once he got some of the feeling back, he was going to try that thing he had seen on an ad for the Garrison before his foster mom turned out the TV saying that it was no use filling his head with something he would never do. Keith peeked over the edge of the cliff, adrenaline racing through his heart again at the sight of the vertical drop. He  _ was  _ going to fly down it and he  _ was  _ going to prove that he could. That would show  _ her _ .

As he massaged out his hands, his thoughts drifted to the Garrison guy.  _ Takashi Shirogane _ . Keith had heard of him before. Of course he had.  _ The greatest pilot of his generation. 20 years old, and already an officer. That Shirogane, he’s going somewhere great,  _ his foster mom said once, the implications clear in his voice. A twinge of guilt filled him at the thought of him waiting on that bench for a Keith who wasn’t going to come back. He squished the feeling down as he stared at the landscape in front of him. He probably had already reported Keith to the principal and the police were probably already on their way. 

Theft  _ and  _ fighting.

Keith had really outdone himself today. He let out a sigh, the sound of the wind and dust easing the tension of the day out of his shoulders until he heard the sounds of footsteps and heavy breathing. 

_ Shit _ .

He didn’t stand up, but let the Garrison guy approach him. He looked over his shoulder as the footsteps slowed, careful to keep his face blank and unimpressed. “Didn’t think you were gonna come after me.” He looked back at the desert. So now he was personally going to get dragged back to the school by Officer Shirogane himself. Great.

“Are you kidding?” The guy sat down besides Keith on the outcropping. Keith scowled and shifted a few more inches away. The guy pretended not to notice. “You ran off with my bike! I built that with my own two hands! It’s like you ran off with my baby.”

_ He built it?  _ Okay that was… kind of cool. “You made it?” he asked, despite the voice in his head telling him not to. He knew what was happening. Shiro was going to make him relax and then drag him back to the police and he was going to be back in that fucking orphanage. But the thought of knowing how to make a bike… okay. It sounded really exciting. 

“The Garrison lent me some parts for it.”

_ The Garrison _ . Keith thought back to the bike, the feeling of the wind in his face making his eyes water, the way he had never felt quite so free. He imagined flying out in the stars. “You’re going to go into space, right?”

“Yeah!” Garrison guy sounded too excited for Keith’s liking. He frowned and turned his head the other direction. “Is that something you’d be interested in?”

Keith crossed his arms. This guy really was a bigger idiot than Keith thought if he was that naive. “Can’t.” 

“Why?” he sounded genuinely confused. Keith wanted to take his bike again. “Anyone can go into space. Besides, any twelve year old who can ride my bike out here can’t be a half-bad pilot.”

Keith scoffed. The problem wasn’t talent. “I can’t because I’m not going to live here anymore. My foster mom told me that if I got into trouble again at school that she’s going to have to give me up because I’m ‘more trouble than I’m worth’. So I won’t be here anymore and I can’t go to the Garrison.” He probably sounded a little too bitter, but it didn't matter. Now the Garrison guy was going to realize he should stop being so  _ fucking  _ nice to Keith. He should just take him back to the police and forget about it.

“Well, if you’re interested, you could always join the early-start program? You would live in the barracks with other kids your age and take our classes.”

“How the hell am I going to pay for that?” Keith gestured at himself. “What part of  _ more trouble than I’m worth  _ did you not get?”

Shirogane didn’t laugh. A little bit of gratefulness sprung up in Keith’s chest. He was being taken seriously. He wasn’t treating him like a joke or a problem. He pushed away the feeling. 

“I could sponsor you.” He nodded towards the bike. “You’re a crazy good pilot, Keith. And more than that, I think it’s something you  _ want  _ to do. It’s important, I think, to recognize that. The feeling of needing to get out, to be out among the stars and galaxies and feel part of something much bigger than yourself.”

Keith stared at the officer. He wasn’t sure how this guy  _ knew _ , knew the feeling that consumed Keith every day. That he didn’t belong here. That everything was too small and he didn’t have a place and he wanted to go out and break all the boundaries that had ever been set.

The officer smiled again. “Look, you don’t have to decide anything right now. But, I’ll be around here the next couple days for the Garrison outreach program, so just let me know.”

“So… I’m not in trouble for stealing your bike?”

He laughed. “No, you’re not in trouble. I understand the feeling. Just, maybe don’t do it again?”

“I won’t, Officer.” What surprised Keith most was that he  _ meant  _ it. He didn’t really want to steal the bike from Officer Shirogane.

Shiro grinned and stood up, popping his back. “Call me Shiro. Now, before we have to go back, what do you say we take the bike out for another spin?” His eyes were shining as he beamed down at Keith. “I’ll drive this time.”

Keith found himself smiling back, despite himself, taking the hand Shiro offered to pull himself up off the rocks. He was still pretty sure this was all a dream, that Shiro was going to realize that this was  _ ridiculous _ . Keith wasn’t worth sponsoring and he was definitely nothing but trouble and he should report him. He was waiting for it all to happen because Keith’s life was just some cruel cosmic joke and there was no way this was actually happening.

But… even if it was just a dream, Keith was willing to stay asleep for a little bit longer.

☆☆☆

Keith grit his teeth as he sat at the table, silent save for the sounds of cutlery scraping against bowls. It was like when he revealed he was Galra all over again. Everyone was tiptoeing around him like they were scared he was a bomb that would blow if they set him off. 

“So, Keith,” Shiro began, finally ( _ finally _ ) breaking through the silence. “I was thinking we could do some light training today to get you back in shape.”

His thoughts flew back to the night before. Yeah, there was no way he was training with anyone for a while. “I’ll train by myself,” he said shortly. He waited for someone,  _ anyone _ , to call him out on his rudeness. Say he shouldn’t talk to Shiro like that.

No one did.

He let out a huff of exasperation, pushing his food around his plate. He had no appetite these days. “So, have you guys been doing anything useful lately?” he asked, careful to keep his voice blunt. “Last I heard you guys were doing some sort of traveling circus type thing?”

“Just because it’s beneath  _ you _ doesn’t mean you should make fun of it,” Lance snapped with a glare and Keith felt some of the tension go out because someone was  _ finally  _ treating him as something that wasn’t going to break at the smallest upset. 

“ _ Lance _ ,” someone whispered, hushed, and Lance turned his eyes back to his plate.

“Sorry, Keith,” he said and he sounded genuinely  _ upset _ . 

Keith pushed his bowl away and stood up, whatever small hunger he once had now completely gone. “I think I’m going to go rest. You know, recovery and all that.” He stalked off, ignoring the stares on his back. Anger bristled under his skin. He just wanted them to act like everything was normal. 

They were all scared now, right? Keith, the unpredictable hothead. Never could be sure when he was going to fly off the handle. He found himself humming that same damn tune, that same damn Beatles song, and he clenched his fists until his nails dug into the skin on his palms. He would honestly rather they just confront him directly about what happened, but that wasn’t going to happen, was it? They were scared of him, now. Probably a little ashamed too. 

It was no less than he deserved.

Something about  _ Lance  _ treating him differently felt a little bit like poetic justice as well. There was a time, back when Shiro had disappeared and Keith had been lost and confused when he had looked at Lance and saw a future. He had looked at Lance and known somewhere in his core that this was something to look forward to, a home to fall back into. It was something dependable and warm that made him smile and his heart flutter when Lance would wink and give him finger guns. That made his face burn, but not in an unpleasant way, when Lance would sling his arms over his shoulders. That would make him feel a little bit less cold when they would call, late at night, those first few weeks, whispering jokes and stories to each other in some private bubble. They had been on the cusp of something that Keith had wanted to dive into.

It hadn’t taken long for Keith to ruin it. He ruined a lot of things, but this was one of the ones that quite possibly hurt the most. He had to ruin it, though. He had to push Lance away because people like Keith didn’t  _ get  _ happy endings. He didn’t know how to love the way others did and pretending he did was just going to hurt them both in the long run and he  _ couldn’t _ hurt Lance. So he had to ruin it. And now they were here.

“Keith, wait up!” a voice called behind him just as he reached the doors, and he turned to see Shiro jogging to catch up to him. “Mind if I walk with you?”

Keith shrugged, although every instinct in his body said to say no. Shiro was always the person who could look past every barrier he put up, see through his anger and nonchalance and frustration to what he felt and the last thing Keith wanted right now was to be scrutinized. That said, he couldn’t say no. He was  _ Shiro _ . 

“How are your injuries?” Shiro asked. His metal arm was held to his side, glancing down at Keith from the corner of his eye. Keith turned his head away when they made eye contact, crossing his own arms. 

His bruises still ached and every time he moved his arm, his shoulder burned. But there was no point in telling anyone that. Keith shrugged. “I’m all good.”

“Right.” Shiro didn’t sound all that convinced. They reached Keith’s room, and they paused outside of the door. “Keith, I need you to know that you can come to me with  _ anything _ . Anytime, anything. Just… don’t keep it bottled up.” Shiro placed a hand--the human one--on Keith’s shoulder, making Keith make eye contact. “We take care of each other, okay bud? It goes both ways.”

“Alright.” Keith stepped back, letting Shiro’s arm fall away. His throat felt tight and he felt like the walls were closing in and he needed to get away. “Thanks, Shiro.”

“It’s what brothers are for.”

_ Brothers…  _

Keith ducked his head. Brothers. If that was true, he was likely the worst brother in the world. Why would Shiro want to be brothers with  _ him _ , someone who constantly screwed up and let him down, proving to be one disappointment after the next?

“Keith, you didn’t give up on me when I went missing. Either time. There’s no way in hell I’m going to give up on you now.” 

_ Brother _ . 

He didn’t deserve Shiro’s kindness, and he couldn’t let himself get attached when he knew he had to leave again soon. He couldn’t think of people as his family over and over again only to be pulled apart time after time. 

Keith offered Shiro a tight smile. “I’m going to turn in early. Uh. Thanks. And I’m fine, really.”

Shiro smiled and he looked a little sad. He patted Keith on the shoulder. “I’m here for you.” Keith nodded sharply, and Shiro gave him another meaningful look before walking back to the dining hall.

Keith waited in the doorway outside of his room pressing his forehead to the cool metal once the black paladin was out of sight. He just felt even more constrained now, like he was stuck in a place that he didn’t belong and he needed to get out but he couldn’t find the exit. He wished Shiro would just look him in the eyes and tell him,  _ I know what you did on Naxzela _ . He wished  _ anyone  _ on the team would do it.

He needed to find  _ somebody _ who wasn’t going to look at him like he was fragile. He stepped back from the door, feet leading him down the hallway almost unconsciously until he stopped in front of the elevator and thought about a holding cell two floors below that housed another living thing that was suspended between two species. Without another thought, he jammed his thumb on the down button. Something in the back of his head that sounded suspiciously like Lance warned him this was a bad idea. That Lotor was dangerous and unpredictable, that Keith was willingly walking into the hands of a tiger, that he should be a grownup and maybe initiate contact with the group by himself.

But he didn’t want to reach out to people he cared about losing any more. 

Besides. He could do with a little dangerous and unpredictable right now.

The elevator slowed to a stop, the doors sliding open. A platform led to the middle of the hold where a clear force-field surrounded a decidedly too satisfied looking alien, eyes watching Keith as he made his way across the room.

“Well,” Lotor drawled. His voice sent an unpleasant chill down Keith’s spine. “The wayward paladin returns.”

Keith scowled. “I’m not wayward. And I’m not a paladin.”

Lotor tapped a finger to his chin. “That’s not what they were saying earlier.” He grinned, suddenly, all teeth too sharp and cold to be considered a real smile. Keith wondered briefly if he should leave, but the thrill of maintaining the facade of normalcy was too addicting. “ ‘We have more pressing issues to worry about than you,’” he continued, his voice a high and mocking imitation of Allura’s. “ ‘We will come for answers once our paladin is healed.’”

Keith found himself chewing on his lip, a metallic taste filling his mouth as he broke skin. “What’s it to you?”

Lotor spread his hands apart in a placating gesture. “Please, Keith. I’m just trying to help. From one half-galra to the other.”

“I’m not like you,” Keith bit out even as the voice in his head-- not Lance this time. It sounded more like his own-- hissed back  _ you are you are you are _ . 

The prince just gave him a knowing look. “Oh, really? Your own  _ team  _ doesn’t trust you enough to let you out of their sights. Why else would you still be here? Why else would you be talking to me?”

Keith exhaled. It was true, wasn’t it? Was it? He didn’t know. His head pounded. He wanted to go  _ home _ . 

(He didn’t even know what that was anymore.)

“They’re dancing around you, right? As if they’re afraid to  _ set you off _ . As if you are volatile and dangerous. A hazard to those around you more than anything else.” Keith could feel Lotor’s eyes drilling into him. “Left behind by parents who didn’t want you. Forced into a team that doesn’t trust you. Keith, I know that feeling better than anyone."

There was something in his voice that set Keith on edge. He didn’t want to be like Lotor. He didn’t want to be the person that no one knew if they could trust. The person who relied on tricks and deception to fit in with people. He couldn’t be that person.

“I just… I don’t need to be treated with kid gloves,” he found himself saying. There was a tightness in his stomach, a hollowness in his chest. Was he like Lotor? He didn’t want to be. He didn’t want to be distrusted, wanted to be a burden on the team. “I just want everyone to treat me like how they did before. Like it’s all normal.”

“It’s never going to  _ be  _ normal.” Lotor’s eyes were fixed on him and Keith wanted to leave, now. His skin prickled and burned and his head still hurt so  _ bad _ and the thought that he was like Lotor filled him with a nervous energy that made him want to run. “They’re afraid of you.”

Keith shook his head and took a step back from the cell. “No.”  _ They were. _

“Keith, you would do well to listen! I’m just trying to help.” Lotor pressed a hand against the cell. “We are alike, you and I.”

“No.” Keith turned his back, a new energy thrumming in his chest. “I am  _ nothing  _ like you.” 

He heard Lotor scoff a laugh as he made his way to the elevator. It wasn’t until the doors closed behind him that he let out a breath. He was like Lotor, right? Staying here, taking up Voltron resources. Disrupting the team. Making them nervous. He wouldn’t be like Lotor, tricking and deceiving the team, dragging them down with him. He would go back to the blades and he would stop wallowing in whatever self-pity he had dredged up for himself lately. 

He used to be good at pushing things down. In avoiding them until he could pretend that everything was fine. Fighting anything that threatened to pull out what he had been trying so hard to suppress. All this  _ Naxzela  _ business had messed with that, but he wasn’t going to let it happen any longer. 

People weren’t going to stick around. The sooner Keith accepted that, the better. His hand drifted to the blade at his hip and thought of the training room. He had never gotten his fight, after all. 

He ignored the sinking in his stomach that told him everything was still not alright and made his way to the training deck. 

☆☆☆

When Keith was 17, he heard the news.

He was sitting in the cafeteria, absentmindedly poking at his food as the noise of conversation rose and fell around him. He had long given up on trying to ‘make friends’ as Shiro kept encouraging him. All he needed was himself and his pilot’s instincts. And maybe Shiro, sometimes, but you wouldn’t catch him saying that to his face. 

He knew the other cadets in his group didn’t think much of him.  _ Too hot-headed,  _ they would say.  _ He always messes up our team simulations!  _

It wasn’t Keith’s fault that he found better ways to do it. He had instinct and talent. He knew that. He was going to go out into space, farther than Shiro even, and he wasn’t about to let some small-minded teenagers hold him back. Not when he was so close to flying far away from anyone’s reach. 

The crackling of the speaker system brought him back to the present. “Cadets,” Iverson’s voice sounded over the intercom. Keith rolled his eyes. He  _ hated  _ that guy, seriously. “Report to the auditorium immediately. Look to the senior cadets for instruction.”

_ What?  _ Even Keith wasn’t immune to the strangeness of that statement. It wasn’t exactly normal to be pulled out of the rigid schedule that Iverson had set them. He trashed his tray and trailed behind the rest of the cadets, picking up on a conversation from the ones in front of him.

“Maybe someone’s getting promoted!” the smaller one was saying, all gangly limbs and wild gestures. 

The bigger guy next to him shook his head nervously. “Why would they pull us out of class for that? I think something bad must have happened.”

Keith snorted at the fear in his voice, so obviously contrasted by the excitement in the others. At that, the smaller one turned around with a glare. 

Well, Keith said small. He was still taller than Keith but most people were so it wasn’t that much of an excitement.

“Why don’t you go stick your nose in other people’s business,  _ Kogane _ ?” he demanded. 

Keith found himself scowling and pushed past the two to walk ahead in the crowd.  _ What the hell?  _ He didn’t know that guy’s name or his friend’s name. Everyone here was temporary. No point in getting attached, right? He got under his skin, though, with an itch that Keith wanted to get rid of. 

He kind of wished he could talk to Shiro about it. 

He took his seat in the back of the auditorium as all the levels filed in. There were the older cadets, even older than him, and the younger ones. Fifteen and sixteen-year-olds who either had too much confidence or were filled with a nervous energy that Keith could understand. He hadn’t even been thirteen when he started here. 

Iverson came on stage as everyone took their seats and tapped the mic. The officers behind him looked decidedly worse for wear.

Keith checked his watch. If this was over quick enough he could probably squeeze in some time on his bike before lights out. Shiro had helped him build it, before he left on the mission. He was  _ going  _ to master that cliff dive trick before he got back. 

“Cadets,” Iverson announced. “I am afraid we have some rather… upsetting news.” 

There was a feeling in Keith’s stomach that something was wrong but he pushed it down.  _ Everything is fine _ , he thought. The cadet next to him shifted, whispering something to her friend. He was aware of every sound, every cough and fidget. Iverson’s breath against the microphone. Everything felt too loud and too close. He was tapping a familiar beat against the armrest of his chair.  _ Here comes the sun _ . 

“As you know, we sent out three of our finest officers out on the Kerberos mission.”

_ No. _

“The pilots knew the dangers they faced once they embarked. Even after all the precautions we had taken, there were still places for wrongs. As of today, the ship has stopped responding. After much deliberation, we have no choice but to declare all members of the operation as presumed dead on a pilot’s error.”

Something roared in Keith’s ears. Iverson was still talking but it sounded muffled and far away.  _ They were heroes. Shirogane was a great pilot, but he was still susceptible to mistakes. _

He stood up before he even knew what he was doing. 

Iverson fell quiet. “Cadet?”

“You’re wrong.” His voice sounded distant.

“Excuse me?” 

It was the anger in Iverson’s voice that started the fire in Keith’s veins. The fire that threatened to consume him inside out if he didn’t find a way to release it. A fire that stopped him from thinking and accepting that Shiro was gone. Shiro wasn’t gone. He couldn’t be. He promised to come back.

“You’re wrong,” he said again. All the eyes in the auditorium were on him. “Shiro doesn’t make errors, not like that.”

“We understand if people are grieving, Cadet, but you would do well to remember your place-”

“Shiro wouldn’t make a mistake like that!” he yelled. His eyes burned and he felt himself flush. He wasn’t going to cry, not in front of all these people. “I know it and you know it too!”

“That is enough!” Iverson roared. “Officer Patel, take Kogane to my office at once.” 

Keith shrugged off the hand the officer in question laid on his shoulder and stalked out of the room himself. Iverson wanted him to wait in his office? Oh, he would wait. He wasn’t leaving without getting an answer to something because he  _ knew _ . Shiro wouldn’t make a piloting error.

Iverson knew too. He knew almost as well as Keith that Shiro had spent every night in the flight simulator, every night poring over trajectory plans and emergency protocols. Shiro worked harder than any other fucking person in this entire organization. He didn’t make mistakes.

The door to Iverson’s office closed behind him. He didn’t sit but began pacing the length of it. Shiro was still out there. Matt and Commander Holt probably were too. Shiro wouldn’t let them

Shiro had promised. And Keith had learned by now that he didn’t break his promises.

_ “You gonna be okay down here?” Shiro asked. Keith’s newly minted bike was parked behind them as their legs dangled off a rock outcropping. A desert night sky stretched overhead, stars and stars and stars. Keith could look at it forever.  _

_ Keith smiled at Shiro. “Yeah. Probably be better off without you.” _

_ Shiro winced and pressed a hand to his heart. “I raised a bully.” _

_ They fell into a comfortable silence, the wind tickling the back of Keith’s neck. He joked about this, but there was still a deep sense of dread in his heart and a tightness in his chest. A fear that maybe, just maybe, Shiro wouldn’t come back. He wasn’t sure what he would do if that happened.  _

_ “Shiro,” he began. He swallowed. Deflected. “You’re leaving tomorrow afternoon, right?” _

_ Shiro nodded, eyes up at the stars. “Yeah. You coming to the launch?” _

_ Keith shrugged. “I’ll check and see if my schedule’s free.” Of course it was free. Keith had been counting down to this date for years. Shiro knew that too. _

_ “Shiro,” he tried again. “I just. I need you to know that you’re the closest thing to family I’ve had for a really long time. You… you’re my brother. You are. I… well. Thank you, I guess.” _

_ Shiro elbowed Keith gently in the side. “Don’t strain yourself,” he teased, but his eyes were a little shiny and Keith knew he was the biggest sap so he rolled his eyes and allowed himself to be pulled into a hug. _

_ “Gross,” he mumbled. _

_ “I’m gonna come back, Keith,” Shiro said, pulling back. “Promise it. Can’t leave my little brother down on Earth to fend for himself, now can I?” _

_ Keith just grinned back. He was going to come back. He was. _

The sound of a door slamming startled Keith from his thoughts. He glared as Iverson entered the room, obviously having worked himself up into anger on the walk from the auditorium. 

He didn’t bother with a salute. Iverson and Keith had a strained relationship at best, animosity tempered only by an anxious Shiro. “The hell was that, Kogane?” the commander snarled, dropping a stack of files on his desk. 

“Shiro didn’t make an error,” he said. He was still  _ angry _ because Shiro couldn’t have left him behind, not this time. “He knew this mission inside and out.”

“So what? You’re saying it was some aliens?” Iverson fixed Keith with a look that made him bristle.  _ Oh, Keith,  _ the look said.  _ Out of his mind.  _

“I don’t know!” his voice grew louder. “But Shiro did  _ not  _ make an error. He’s still out there.”

Iverson sighed. “You have any proof of that, Cadet?”

Keith pushed down the urge to kick something. “Why isn’t the Garrison looking for him? Or Matt or Commander Holt?”

“Because they are  _ gone _ , Cadet.” Iverson braced his hands on his desk, the only thing separating him from Keith. “I am just as upset over the loss of Commander Shirogane as you are-”

“No, you aren’t!” Keith had worked himself into a full yell. “You and the whole Garrison are just a bunch of lazy, greedy, assholes who don’t  _ care  _ if their pilots go missing as long as they can move the blame from themselves-”

“ _ Watch  _ your mouth, Cadet.” Iverson’s eyes glinted dangerously. “Might I remind you, Shirogane is no longer here to shield you from the consequences of your actions. You’re going to have to face them now, just like the rest of us. You would do well to remember that.”

Keith balled his hands into fists. “Or what?” he asked. “You’re going to send me into space? Ruin my mission? Tell everyone it was a  _ pilot’s error _ ?”

Iverson sat down at his chair, only glancing at Keith like he was a  _ kid _ . “The sooner you accept Shirogane is gone, the better. After all, you’re going to have to find someone else to pretend family with now, aren’t you?”

Keith’s fist moved before his mind was aware of what was happening. Iverson yelled in pain, hands coming up to the affronted eye. Keith didn’t care. Anger was running through him, hot and uncomfortable and he wanted it  _ out _ . At the sound, two Officers Keith didn’t care to recognize ran into the room. 

“Officers, please remove Cadet Kogane from the campus,” Iverson grit out as he clutched his eye. “I am afraid he is no longer welcome at the Garrison.”

“Good fucking riddance,” Keith spat. “I’m going to find out what happened to Shiro. You better watch out when I do.”

He left without waiting for the Officers. It wasn’t until he was out of the building, a duffel bag of possessions and the keys to his bike in his hand, that the tears left his eyes. 

_ Can’t leave my little brother down on earth to fend for himself, now can I? _

Keith turned his eyes up to the sky, the blue fading into dusk, stars just beginning to shine through. Shiro was out there. He knew it with a certainty he reserved for few things in his life. He knew that Shiro was his family, now, and he wasn’t going to let go of this one without a fight. He had lost too many things to lose this too.

_ I’m coming, Shiro _ , he promised, swiping the tears away from under his eyes.  _ I promise _ . 

  
  


☆☆☆

Keith rolled his shoulder as he left the training deck. It had been a good workout, much better than last time. He made it through several levels before the pain in his ribs grew unbearable. A couple of days. Just, two more days, and he would be fine. 

It’s something he had been telling himself a lot, lately.  _ Just a little bit more, you’ll be fine. Just hold on, you’ll be fine. You’ll be fine _ . He had clung to the words, repeated them over and over until his brain latched onto the idea and tried to make it a reality because he was afraid that if he didn’t accept that he would sink deeper and deeper into a place he couldn’t be.

He wouldn’t be Lotor, making the team doubt themselves and duck around him.

And he wouldn’t be a burden to Voltron.

It was at a decent enough point of the day where the kitchen was likely to be empty. His hunger was catching up to him and although the idea of eating still made him nauseous, he knew he had to eat something if he wanted to recover faster. 

Keith flipped his knife in his hand and tried to ignore the tight nervousness in his muscles. He would just grab some food, go back to his room, apply the salve Coran gave him on his injuries, and rest. Easy. Keith was just about to enter the kitchen when he heard voices that stopped him in his tracks.

“I just don’t  _ know _ , Allura,” Lance’s voice floated from the room. Keith flattened himself against the wall outside. He hated himself, a little, for listening in. It was none of his business what Lance did. But he had hated himself for other things before too. “He just seems so far away.”

“We just need to be there for him whenever he wants to talk about it.” Allura’s voice joined Lance’s and Keith felt his throat tighten. They were talking about him. 

Lance let out a sigh and Keith felt something in his heart break down a little. “I don’t think we should wait,” he said and he sounded so  _ tired _ . “If we keep waiting for Keith, we’ll wait forever."

There was something else implied by those words, something else that resonated with Keith so deeply that he felt a rush of something build in pressure behind his eyes.  _ We’ll wait forever _ . The tightness in his throat grew even greater. This was why he had to leave Lance. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t be right for him.  Love was for people who didn’t mess up everything they touched. Love was for people who had families that wanted them. Families that stayed.

He decided to leave the emptiness in his stomach as a problem for later. Keith pushed himself away from the wall but his hands were still shaking and sweaty and his knife slipped from his palms and hit the ground with a clatter.

Keith’s pulse thudded in his ears as he snatched it up from the floor.  _ Shit _ . There was no way they didn’t hear that. He couldn’t run away and not be seen fast enough but he had to go because he couldn’t talk to them right now, not when he hadn’t slept in so long and there was a pressure behind his eyes and he was so nervous that he  _ dropped  _ his knife. 

He never dropped his weapon. 

Soon enough, Lance appeared from the doorway. “Keith,” he breathed. 

Keith forced himself to keep his face blank. His expressions, he could take control of. “Hey,” he responded. His voice was steadier than he felt. “Just,” he gestured to the direction to his room. “Going to go put that salve thing Coran gave me.”

Lance nodded. He was bouncing on the balls of his feet, all nervous energy and movement. Keith’s heart ached at the thought of a time when awkward silences were few and far between them, when he felt like he could take on the world if only Lance was by his side.

_ Stupid _ , he thought. “Right,” he said and this time he wasn’t lucky enough to avoid the hitch in his voice as it caught on some unspilled emotion. “I’m going to… go.” He turned to leave.

“Wait!” Lance called and with a manner of steps, his stride matched Keith. “Can I help?”

“Help?”

Lance gestured at Keith. “You have injuries on your back, too. I don’t think you can reach them. So, I can help.”

There was a part of Keith that was yelling at him to say no. The part that knew that this is how it happened: you let yourself get pulled in and then it hurts all the more when you get pushed out. The part that knew he was a burden and Lance deserved better. The part that remembered the way Lance had whispered  _ we’ll wait forever _ . 

But there was another, selfish, part of him that was yearning for this. Part of him that hadn’t been touched in so long, not like he mattered. So, he whispered quietly, “Okay.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys enjoyed it! one chapter left :)  
> let's be friends!  
> tumblr: annabeth541

**Author's Note:**

> so it begins...  
> chapter 2 (keith's perspective) will be coming soon!


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